Sitting in Spiderwebs

I've been taking so many pills lately. Two for my kidneys. Two for the pain. Two to sleep. Two to focus.

-Why, yes, I think I'll take the two amphetamine salts with a side of..... hmmm, errr.... coffee and a cigarette. Thanks.

-Here's the bill. Whenever you're ready: 'One flask full of Kraken'

::The barter system is always effective.

Amphetamine salts working

on my neurotransmitters

I'm getting my haircut soon.

Maybe this haircut will cut away all the bad thoughts that have been seeping from my head. Thoughts slightly curled and lightened from exposure. Pigment beginning to fade out but not quite! They're still around. Still permeating the tint that remains. Oh, these thoughts! They make my hair curl.

But typically hair falls out one by one. -Unless otherwise provoked- A hairbrush catching a knot, the elbow of your glasses closing at just the right time-left gripping a single strand, a lustful tug, a playful pull- A slow process of forgetting. Not me though. Cut it all off! Make me forget! I'll do anything if you just make me forget.

Home again, home again, back for a month.

And still as lonely as ever. Here's hoping the new year brings some company.

Holy paradox, Batman

I was thinking about how uncomfortable it would be to be placed in another physical body. Trying to maneuver with arms too long and a jaw too wide. Sensations completely altered. Learning how to move again. To interact.

I am so wary of other people. Their intentions and their behaviors. I start to believe that people see me this way as well, but I don't want them to. Holy paradox, Batman. It's like Sartre's concept of bad faith.

Sun spots like bacteria under a microscope.

Droning electricity and jabbing trumpets. Waves of conversations. An echo from another mouth. Saliva, tongues, and teeth. Howls.

Sun smoothing my goosebumps until they are flesh. With my flesh.

Beardy men and torn clothes. Passing conversation.

Squinting.

Ich muss Katze giessen

Finally have the ability to sleep. Can't sleep. Sartre on the brain. Not really. Pushing myself to delirium.

Waiting, waiting.

Within days of snatching up some work ethic, it sneaks away. None lingers. It is not my friend.

Lately I've been pushing people away. Few exceptions. Very few. One.

Ich Angst bin.

Body angled on a couch too small. Obtuse. Greater than ninety degrees.

Heavy boots.

Cacophony. Coffee maker.

Gnawing bits of nail and skin. I wonder how much skin I've swallowed.

Grainy

I decided to start packing today and I realized that I needed some pictures for my dorm and albums. I printed some out and I really love the way they look. I scanned them back onto the computer. The color is a little funny now, but here they are:



My favorite. This was before Jo and Rachel's wedding. It is also before our zoo adventure. Not our best idea. The zoo in January. Burrr. HEY MONKEY!




Old, but wonderful. We look so foreign. I love it!




Graduacion! I like heem.




Inesse in the yard.





New Jersey family. Maggie is the cutest baby ever.




Tommy. Metropolitan. Love.




Not one of mine, but I like it. Deanna and I at the train station.


After Mary and Tay Tay's comments on my facebook page, I am exhilarated about heading back to Winthrop. I haven't been too social this summer, so I'm going to try and make up for it at school..

I'm addicted to bandanna wearing.

I think I may go see the counselor at school. I've never felt the need to see one until this year. It can't hurt to go and talk, right? It might even be helpful.

I want to work in a huge library in a city. I really think that's where I'm heading and I'm all for it. I love cities. Their stink and their people and their food and their noises. I could be happy.

Some days I feel like I don't know anything. Today is one of those days.

I feel like giving up. Often.

I hate they way my mind processes things.

If I said I was depressed, no one would believe me.

But I am.

Found

I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while. I have too many ideas for one though. I'm such a chicken, I probably wouldn't do it. I was about to document my tattoo ideas, when I came across a page in my notebook. It contained three paragraphs and an excess of scribbles.

1. The noise was a familiar one. One that encompasses my being during the summer days. As I lay on the lumpy, previously flea-ridden mattress, under a small green blanket, I heard a sound that made my body go rigid. The simple, crisp sound of a page being turned.

2. Heavy lids and disappointment led me to my temporary bed. The room was humid and cornered by plants, some being of the plastic species, placed in large, ornate pots, made to look weathered. What few possessions I desired to surround myself with were piled around the worn and aging furniture, strewn in a fashion that appeared chaotic, yet not a single item was misplaced.

3. He was of the hermit breed. Living in isolation, only to associate with others when necessary and seldom out of pleasure. He occupied his days with memories and mysteries while sipping tea and observing the creatures of the city. In his working life he played a shopkeeper, and sold his smiles and novels to passing customers. He mostly communicated through nods and gestures to keep up his solitary disposition, never wanting to become too familiar with another being.


yadda yadda I was robbed. I have most of my things back in order though, so I feel a bit better about the whole thing. I have a meeting with the teeth surgeons next week :/ I'm nervous.

Books save my life. They keep me sane and my thoughts don't stray.

I'm fucking tired of hilton head and most of the people here. mehmehdramameh. I'm ready to learn again. Actually, I'm pretty proud of how stimulated I kept my mind this summer. I like to research random things that I come across. I also like reading about serial killers.
I'm currently reading The Alienist. It takes place in the 19th century and is about a series of child prostitute murders.




My iPod came in today! Unfortunately, by the end of summer I will be out about 400$. Yay for robbery and smashing windows!

I more-than-like you

I ended up going to the Of Montreal show with Gage. We met up with Charlie, Brien, Brady, Garrett, and Ryan. I've never felt so close to them in my entire life. The show was great, despite the fact that 2/3 of the time I was looking at people's backs and armpit hair. I got punched in the nose and elbowed in the head but I would say that it was worth it. The ride back was nice too. Gage and I talked quite a bit. Sunday was full of all sorts of surprises. This weekend was predicted to be awful, due to all my work and Ian leaving, which he didn't, but it proved me wrong. Seventeen is a shitty age. Tiny print. I'm still working at the library. I think I like it better this semester though. Bought my David Bazan ticket. Can't wait. Arnold Palmers are my new drink of choice. My hair is mostly gone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Any of this. Ah well.
I'm so conflicted about my whole vegitarian thing. I don't think I want to give up meat, but at the same time I feel guilty and unhealthy for eating it. It's pretty tough doing it at school since Thomson sucks. Maybe I will just buy a ton of groceries and can just make my meals. That sounds good. Gage, we should go grocery shopping soon :). I've been talking to Mark quite a bit lately. I don't think Inesse is going to be able to come up here since my mother can't get off of work on any reasonable day. I suppose I'm going to be working three jobs this Summer. Babysitting, restaurant, and cleaning. Joy. I just can't wait to reap the benefits of that. I need monies! It's Ian and I's (fuck, I will never know how to write it correctly) ninth month together tomorrow. It's amazing and I'm really happy. He's my favorite person ever. I just can't believe how quickly I became comfortable with him. Anyways. I'm going to watch Fiddler on the Roof.